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PhewThe Chosen Phew
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cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*