Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.