Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
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Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
When I snag the last meatball.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist