Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this ๐๐
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*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer ๐
My foot just now fell asleep which means Iโve finally gained its trust.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but itโs gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I donโt like you
Date: Iโm not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a signโI love ceilingsโ
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since youโre not going to do anything anyways.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…