rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.