“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
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“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench