She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
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I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
My daughter’s throat is so sore she can’t talk, so we’re having her go around and kiss all the other kids
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.