so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.