[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
This is so me 😂😂
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit