Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
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Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
*jazz hands*
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried