Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
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customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
me irl
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there