That’s incredible! 👌
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?