the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho đ” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
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[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm itâs a cake
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. Iâm basically a deer.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
My 3-year-old said, âDaddy, youâre big & strong like a garbage truck.â Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Brain: Youâre getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, Iâm in charge now.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: arenât you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[job interview]
Boss: Whatâs this 3 year gap in your rĂ©sumĂ©?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says âninja-ing.â I donât understâ
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* Youâre hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
all bases covered
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Thereâs an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with âCarrier pigeonsâ âCarrier bats (??)â âMorse codeâ crossed out, and âSearchlightâ circled.
Earth reviews
âââââ
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shitââââââ
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasnât looking