the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
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Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
ibopfufen
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cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?