The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
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INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
become ungovernable
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
estão todos miauvindo?
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!