The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
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*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
you gotta be faster
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
This is a true ally.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I can fix him.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.