The real reason evolution started..😂
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people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
my sentiments exactly
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.