There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
That’s it.I’m out.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
There鈥檚 a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he鈥檚 a dinosaur so he鈥檚 just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I鈥檓 only here to watch VelociRyan
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Me: I鈥檓 not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I鈥檓 looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That鈥檚 my specialty.