I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
You Might Also Like
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.