This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
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Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
technically true but not a great slogan
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Love is in the air fryer.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
I want what they have
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time