to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you đ«¶
You Might Also Like
A woman drives into a bar.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
I can’t be the only one đ
My son just said, âPeace on Earth, goodwill to men,â and shot me in the face with a Nerfâąïž gun.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and heâs kind of freaking me out guys.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Pro tip: If your full grown kid wonât move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I introduced my kids to the âmagical snap of sleepâ, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Fit Bit: âKeep going!â
Recliner: âTrust your feelings.â
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Roganâs laugh.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure Iâm gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I donât see how Iâll ever use this in the real world.
âHead, shoulders, knees and toesâ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasnât singing about what hurt on a morning.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe heâd frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day Iâd be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and Iâm here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didnât order) like theyâd met me.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusaâs ex-boyfriends.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
You can say âHoly shitâ in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I donât suggest you point.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and theyâve been enemies for years.