Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
You Might Also Like
This is enough internet for the day.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
necessity is the mother of invention
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner