‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
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“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
my proudest tweet
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet: