Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 馃ぃ
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“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that鈥檚 not an indictment of free will, I don鈥檛 know what is.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
I鈥檓 swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
That鈥檚 enough internet for the day
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I鈥檓 thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there鈥檚 no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we鈥檙e out of tonight?
me: no no I鈥檒l find it thanks
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I鈥檇 have to be voted in and that wouldn鈥檛 happen.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they鈥檙e engaged <3
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this