I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder