I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
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Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
still the best tweet of the year by far
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.