Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Yes, but it was never about money
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
twitter users today:
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
I think this should do it.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬