May your day taste like creamy soup.
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“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.