Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.