Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
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While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“The Perfect Relationship”
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”