Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
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My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Ain’t no way
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
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you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.