Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Jokes on them. I took 10.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

before meds: *hates everything*

after meds: *feels good about hating everything*

When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early

astronaut: moon’s haunted

nasa employee: what?

astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name

Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees

Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects

Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

I’m having an out of money experience.