Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
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Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
For anyone who needs this today
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.