Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*