me hitting on a model
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[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
it鈥檚 so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn鈥檛 hacked
Me: You weren鈥檛 worried?
Dad: Not at all, you鈥檙e not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Haha good job!!
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
I鈥檝e banned my kid from his X Box today so he鈥檚 gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: Can鈥檛 you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma鈥檃m, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
If you鈥檙e gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I could鈥檝e been a doctor. OK, so I don鈥檛 have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn鈥檛 answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…