What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
馃槀
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
if Taylor watched me at work I鈥檇 probably do really well too idk
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow鈥檚 feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
[first date]
Me: I don鈥檛 like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it鈥檚 a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Welcome
i鈥檓 taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
When you’ve simply given up.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they鈥檙e doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY鈥橰E DOING??
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.