Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
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I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
we’re all idiots, it’s not a competition
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Gemma Correll
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Are these grass-fed oranges?
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I hate everything
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”