when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…