Whoa 😂
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I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what