I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
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“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.