Wooden Horsie 馃惔
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they鈥檙e all dead). 2/5 stars.
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can鈥檛 help feeling like there鈥檚 already a name for this
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Maybe vet鈥檚 office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine鈥檚 Day.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it鈥檚 impossible to pronounce if you鈥檙e choking.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it鈥檚 cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
They don鈥檛 serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Quit coffee and now I鈥檓 like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that鈥檚 what i want to talk to you about
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.