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My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to βput it in its place.β So, I looked at it and said, βDonβt forget that youβre only a towel,β and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Wife: Donβt you hate when you eat something thatβs not very satisfying but itβs too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Our vision of Hell doesnβt come from the Bible; itβs a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me heβd be in jail.
American recipes are litch like
β’3.5 handfuls of milk
β’2/7 cup of cheese
β’Pasta to taste
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Just this preview of the story is enough
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
canβt bark with your mouth full
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and itβs this: βIβve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?β
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: itβs called a popsicle
MΓΆther may I have a snΓ€ck