You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesnβt really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. ππ π»π
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Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Iβm not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone βi told you soβ.
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father canβt.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
If you werenβt supposed to stab people then they wouldnβt have been made so squishy.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause Iβm not good at putting on lipstick.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,βI Will Survive,β are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Me: No work tomorrow so Iβm sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
God: youβre a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.