You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
You sure about that?
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it