“You want me to do what?!”馃ぃ
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I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you鈥檙e never gonna believe this
I wish I had the determination of my wife who鈥檚 still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They鈥檙e moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren鈥檛 exactly choir boys.
My son got his license and I鈥檓 terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald鈥檚 and get me a McFlurry.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don鈥檛 like to chew
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I鈥檝e been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I鈥檝e had to repeat everything I鈥檝e said to Alexa today like we鈥檙e married.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you