˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
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[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
english majors be like furthermore
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.