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[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Worth remembering.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me