♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
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I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted