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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
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The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
“What?”
– Jude
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.