🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
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Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
I have two kinds of followers
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note