🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.